Can I help you?

I am a self centered, independent individual from a very individualistic culture. I came to Lesotho with the idea that I would help out and do ‘my’ part around at work and with my host family; that I would pull my own weight and not let others do tasks for me simply because I was the white North American.  I had ideas about how I had the position of privilege and power and how I was going to independently fight against those imbalances.  However, I have been coming to see that being so individualistic in my idea of work is indeed continuing the power differences.  Me dictating what is ‘right’, rather than being respectful and trying to learn about and experience another culture is just another way of exercising my position of privilege.  You may be wondering what experiences made me think about these concepts and the one that started me thinking today was a little girl trying to wash my underwear.

Here is the story.  Washing clothes by hand is a physically demanding and time consuming task that has to be done often if you want to keep on top of things.  Since wash is such a labour intensive task I have been trying to resist help, to show that ‘I can do it’.  So whenever my sisters ask on Thursday night if I have any wash for them to do, I say no, and do my wash myself on the weekend.  I like to think of my laundry as a private matter, it is my problem how many clothes I wear and how dirty I get them.  Not to mention that washing my underwear is definitely private.  However, as I brought my wash outside this Sunday morning those around me had a very different lesson to show me.  As I started to work independently, in my little bubble, Zanele appeared and started ‘helping’ me soak the clothes.  (Zanele is my 4 year old sister).  And just as she was pulling out my hot pink underwear 3 small faces appeared smiling and staring, looking at what I was doing.  Two of the children do not even live at my house, but after 8 am on the weekend is fair game for friends to come over.  So my washing had become a community matter.  As I continued doing my wash Noxolo (my 11 year old sister) came over and told me (not asked, just told me) she was going to help me.  When she saw Zane hanging up my underwear she mentioned how when she was little she loved when her mother let her help wash the handkerchiefs.  

These are the events that made me think about how helping out, and letting others help, is not just about the person doing the task (ie. It’s not about me).  You are letting someone feel valued by letting them be part of your task; to tell them you can do it all alone is saying their help is not appreciate.  This is a communal culture, and your problem is never just your problem, as much as you may want it to be.  And so although it will probably continue to go against my grain, and bother me when my little sister sees how dirty I got my jeans this week (because I thought it didn’t matter if I kneeled in mud since it would be my wash and my problem), I will continue to try to say yes when people ask if they can help me.   I will continue to try not to be annoyed and overly ‘feminist’ when the men take the shovel out of my hands and say ‘I am helping you now’ while I am shoveling compost.  I will try to see that these people are taking me into their life, their culture, their family, and want to be a part of what I am doing.  I will also try to remember to offer to help, even when I am tired after a long day in the field.  Which brings me to my last thought, one about me offering to help.  I have tried to find a way to ask, do you actually need my help, but maybe that is the wrong question.  It’s not about ‘do you need my help?’ but can I join you where you are at in your task? May I be a part of you life?